does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
