I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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