Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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