It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
