Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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