OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
