Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
