There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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