i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
