I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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