they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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