Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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