I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
