i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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