I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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