so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize