wanna go halves on a baby?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
