My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I wish you could order shots online.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
