If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
