So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize