The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Let's get the cat blown out
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
