I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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