zippers are such a cool invention
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
