Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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