It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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