i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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