we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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