According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
