Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Dear god my vagina.
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