I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
