I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
