He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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