Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Randomize
