Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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