she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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