Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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