Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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