No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
