I'm so fucking centered right now
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
