wat bout pragnant strippers??
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize