Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It was confusing and full of hummus
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
