somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize