I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize