I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
