I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
