8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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