No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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