Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
