I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
