She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
