I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
