just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
