so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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