I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
