note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize