I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
