I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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