just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
