There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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