My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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