What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize