Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
