i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
