She said her name was "party"
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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