I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
